Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Who am I to say..

This will most likely be a short post, as I am currently rocking my three month old to sleep in my Ergo carrier and listening for the imminent sound of an energetic two year old waking from her nap as I type with my free hand. But I wanted to journal about a recent change that has taken place in my heart, so I can look back on it in the future, wherever I am, and see God's gracious leading of my  heart.

A few weekends ago, I attended mini-conference for seminary wives. Each session I listened to that day encouraged my heart in a different way, but one in particular stands out to me. The session was entitled, "What Husbands in the Ministry Wish Their Wives Knew," and the speaker, a local pastor, gave several points of things wives should keep in mind when married to a husband in the ministry. The ninth point was the one that impacted me the most though. The pastor made the point to encourage wives to "dream with their husbands," more specifically he mentioned not immediately "squelching" passions and desires he may share, no matter how crazy or "impractical" they may seem in that moment. Yes, there is a time for seeking counsel, praying, and thinking of logistics, but don't make the mistake of continually shooting him down time after time; instead, seek God's wisdom and strength to be a wife who will joyfully follow him wherever the Father should lead him.

Immediately, my mind thought of countless times I have "squelched" my Matt when he was talking about our future. Moving to India to serve and teach and start a seminary? I have never been overseas before. It's so far away. We would go there first before committing to anything, right? How long would we be there for? It is still kind of scary for me to think of moving to a completely different culture. Maybe moving to Dubai to serve in a seminary there? Again, we would want to visit first before committing to anything, right? At least English is more commonly spoken there. Who would we go with? Do we want to raise our girls over there? Is it safe? Moving to Israel to study Hebrew? Isn't that one of the most dangerous places in the world? Would there be a program in the States that you would be able to get just as much benefit from? It would be really hard to move our family overseas. I still just have no idea what it is like to live in a different culture, and its still kind of intimidating for me. Yes, I would be more comfortable staying in America. The list could go on. Now, granted, I did not bombard him with all those questions at once. But I am sure there was a sense about my responses that let him know of my fear, insecurity, and lack of enthusiasm anytime he brought up a possibility of going overseas.

Yet, after the conference last week, I began to think... I am married to an extremely gifted man (who takes much delight in reading, studying, learning, and teaching the Ancient Languages and who has so much knowledge of Scripture.) God gave Him these abilities, and what if Israel is the best place for him to continue to develop his gifts? What if Dubai or Singapore is the place God has planned to use my Matt to teach His Word and train pastors so that many can hear the Gospel and come to a personal relationship with Him? I never, ever want to be the reason Matt makes a decision for something "less" when God could use him for something "more." Ultimately, God is Sovereign, and we will make decisions according to His will, which is comforting, but I do not ever want to be a hindrance to what our good Father would call him to do. If God calls him to Africa, who am I to say I'm still unsure nor scared?

So, that night, as he kissed my forehead and told me goodnight as I was nursing our littlest girl, I told him that I wanted him to know that I would follow him wherever he felt God leading him- be it Israel or Africa or America or anywhere. My heart still may have fear at times, and I will definitely feel weak, but those can be good things- things my loving heavenly Father will use to make me trust Him more.

And since that night, my heart has felt so much more free! It is as if a gigantic burden has been lifted. I am trusting the Greatest Shepherd of all to lead us, and I know that He will.

(And thankfully, little adorable very energetic toddler slept the whole time I typed, and I was able to finish this post :)

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